are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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