I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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