I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
