its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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