This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
