First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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