1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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