All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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