Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
