Your face is a jimmy john
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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