his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
