JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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