I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
