I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
