New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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