I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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