I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
