I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
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