I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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