Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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