yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
