Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
