During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Randomize
