i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
