Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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