I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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