Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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