he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
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the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
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Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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