Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You may now shotgun with the bride
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
