she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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