I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
