Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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