Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
