Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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