i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
