Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
