How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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