Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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