That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
