I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
