so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
