this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
