well I can't set my house on fire every night
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
