I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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