She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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