i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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