...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
