I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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