I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
