This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
