He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
