I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
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Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
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She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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