The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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