nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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