You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
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I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
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So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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